She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I cut my penus on the lid.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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