All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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