Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
