It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my vag is so smooth its legendary
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
