Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
