Umm I'm too high to move.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
