When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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