Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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