I think I won the penis lottery.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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