I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
