Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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