i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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