I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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