Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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