Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
