I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
