You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Pants are for mortals
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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