I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
