Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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