I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
