when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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