My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
