Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
