i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
