I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
