Me too!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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