My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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