You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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