so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i drank out of a bidet.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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