at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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