Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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