I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
