Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
