I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
