it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
