i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
