I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
