Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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