Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
