No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
