My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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