I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In America we eat man semen.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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