As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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