Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
