I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
