I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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