You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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