I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Sober January is a disaster.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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