in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We are all done wearing pants today
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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