Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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