and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
