i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
