I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
