is your mom at the bar?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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