my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
zippers are such a cool invention
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Randomize
