He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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