I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
