Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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