Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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