Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
